How to have friends Part II, Bible Study 05/11/11

How to have Friends Part II

Synopsis of Bible Study 05/11/11

Delivered by Bishop Walker III

Last week we asked you to write down 3 things you think you bring to a friendship.
Then we told you to write 3 things down that people might say you bring to a
friendship. Then we told you to write down 3 things that you bring to a
friendship and one thing that you feel people take for granted with you.

Now if you had to choose one thing that you know without doubt that you
bring to a friendship, write it down. Then write down one think that you know
people take for granted in your life. We will come back to these.

I.
Characteristics of a friend

Tells the truth- Proverbs 27:5-6, 9 says ⁵Open rebuke is better than secret
love. ⁶Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an
enemy are deceitful. ⁹Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so
doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel. – We are
looking for people that will tell us the truth. We want people that will tell
is like it is.
Loves with pureness of heart- Proverbs 22:11 says ¹¹He that loveth pureness of heart,
for the grace of his lips the king shall be his friend. – We act in
ways that are not consistent with our heart, by the things we do. In fact, we often tell people to charge it to our head
and not our heart. We really desire for people to know our hearts. If people
really knew our heart, they would not judge us by how we act or our actions. Sometimes people can act certain ways,
because of things that happened in their past. If we knew their hearts, we
wouldn’t be so bitter towards them.
Loyalty – They are loyal. Proverbs 27:10 says ¹⁰Thine own friend, and thy father’s
friend, forsake not; neither go into thy brother’s house in the day of thy
calamity: for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off. -We need
somebody there with us. Loyalty will take you a long way. No matter what happens,
you know you can count on this person.
Loves at all times –Proverbs
17:17 says ¹⁷A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
– I friend will love you no matter what. No matter what happens, we know this person loves
us.
1. There are things that separate us friends.
2. i.
  Whisperers – Proverbs 16:28 says 28A froward man
  soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends. – You have this person
  who has a friend. They have been friends with you for a year. A new person
  comes in and is friends with you for week. The old friend is intimidated that they
  might not be able to keep you as a friend. The old friend whispers things that
  cause you to have doubt in the new friend. It is not about the integrity of the
  new friend. Instead it is about the lack of security in the old friend. Be
  careful of those that whisper things in your ear.
3. ii.
  Violating trust- Proverbs 17:9 says ⁹He
  that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter
  separateth very friends. – Tell you a secret and next day it is in the Tennessean,
  on Facebook, or on Twitter. This will mess up a friendship when you can’t keep
  mouth closed.
4. iii.
  Money- Proverbs 6:1-3 says ¹My
  son, if thou be surety for thy friend, if thou hast stricken thy hand with a
  stranger, ²Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art
  taken with the words of thy mouth. ³Do this now, my son, and deliver
  thyself, when thou art come into the hand of thy friend; go, humble thyself,
  and make sure thy friend. – This is talking about money and friends. Ex- Bishop explains how he has a policy;
  he doesn’t loan money to his friends. Bishop learned that if he can’t give it
  to you, he just won’t do it. Bishop
  says that he don’t want money to get in
  between he and his friends relationship. You got people who know that they owe
  you money and they act like they don’t. They will buy new stuff and act like
  they don’t owe you money, as if you forgot about it. Proverbs 19:4 says ⁴Wealth maketh many friends; but the
  poor is separated from his neighbour. – It is not so much that the poor
  is separated from his friends, but when your conditions change, things change. If
  you have a lot of money and then all of a sudden it’s gone, some friends will
  fall off. Proverbs
  19:6-7 says ⁶Many will intreat the favour of the
  prince: and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts. ⁷All the
  brethren of the poor do hate him: how much more do his friends go far from him?
  he pursueth them with words, yet they are wanting to him. – He hooked
  them up when they were in need. When he was in need, there was none to be
  found. People have selective amnesia when it comes to money and this can mess
  up friendships. Ex- People come to
  us (Mt Zion) on our benevolent program and we try to help people. We have
  safeguards in place so we can be good stewards over our blessings (the money).
  We have policies such as the maximum we can give a person, so that we can be
  good stewards of this. You can help a
  person in December, January, then February, March, and finally you have to tell
  them that you can’t do it anymore. If a person has come to us over and over
  again and they have exhausted he amount of times that they can come to us, then
  all of a sudden our name (Mt Zion) is mud.
  Learn how to say no to friends and learn to be comfortable with this decision.
  When you are a giver, don’t allow the lack
  of integrity of others prevent you from blessing
  somebody else. Don’t let somebody’s issue cause you to miss your blessing.

II.
Advice and friends

Have problem having friends. What is the problem? Proverbs 18:24 says ²⁴A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and
there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. – You have to first be
friendly, before you can have a friend. You got to have the personality that is
friendly and stop being so unfriendly.
You will attract what you are. If you are a person who has a warm
personality, you will always attract that
to yourself. If you gossip you will attract that. Gossipers are not attracted
to you if you don’t like to gossip. You have to examine what people are seeing in you. We need advice
from people that understand us. Proverbs
22:11 says ¹¹He that loveth pureness of heart, for the grace of his lips
the king shall be his friend.- He knows that he has gracious speach, Proverbs 27:6 says ⁶Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an
enemy are deceitful., Proverbs 22:11 says ¹¹He that loveth
pureness of heart, for the grace of his lips the king shall be his friend. – We are looking for someone
that can shoot straight with us. They can tell us what we need to hear.
Why is this important? In order to get good advice we
must be mindful of how you select our friends.
Be mindful of how you select friends. Proverbs
22:24-25 says ²⁴Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man
thou shalt not go: ²⁵Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to
thy soul. , Proverbs 12:26 says ²⁶The righteous is more excellent than his neighbour: but the
way of the wicked seduceth them. – There are two kinds of people you have to choose
from. There are those who will lead and walk with you towards your destiny and those that will walk and lead you down path of destruction. With them you
have two choices, life or death or
spending eternity in smoking or non-smoking.
As you select friends, be careful. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says ¹⁴Be ye not unequally yoked together
with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?
and what communion hath light with darkness? – The issue is, we all have
friends who are not saved (People that don’t go to church and who are down with
whatever). We learned last week that there are some friends that are going to
be on the fence, the porch, and the house. We don’t want you to feel like you
need to cut them off, because this is not good
evangelism. We have people that are not saved, but they are cool. We have to
know where they fit in. You can’t allow them to have more influence on us than
we do on them. As a child of God, how can they get you to stay out all night,
and you can’t get them to come to church? Ex-
A saved person that is going through a crisis can’t get advice from unsaved
folk. 2
Corinthians 6:16-17says ¹⁶And
what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the
living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I
will be their God, and they shall be my people. ¹⁷Wherefore come out
from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean
thing; and I will receive you. – In other words, what relationship do we have with
these so called friends? Unsaved people operate from a different frame of reference. If you going through
a spiritual thing, they will say you ought to”be out” or “do you” or “let’s roll” (referring to leaving your
relationship). They can only interpret your situation based on what they know to do. We got these
unsaved friends, but we are not trying to take
their advice. For example, if we went to speech therapy and the Doctor
stuttered, “Good morning” to us, we would not want to go through with the
session. If we went to Dentist and they had a cavity in the front, we would not
have much faith in their ability or their advice. You wouldn’t take advice from
these types of people, because their actions don’t show that they are qualified
to give advice. So why do you let non spiritual people give advice to you about
your life.
Friends that want wisdom – Proverbs
13:20 says ²⁰He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion
of fools shall be destroyed. – We want to be with the type of people they want wisdom. Proverbs 13:14 says ¹⁴The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from
the snares of death. -Wisdom will teach you how to say a thing. Ex- Say you have a friend going through something and they start emotionally eating. As a result, they
are starting to get larger. You are concerned, because you don’t want them to
get larger and larger. You can’t just go up to them and say, “You’re just fat!” This would not be wise. Some people are still
in counseling over things that you have said in the past. What would be wise to
say is something like this: “I love you and I can’t imagine being here without
you. I want to help you stay here for me and you and I will start by walking
with you.”
How do we maintain friendships? They can be disrupted for a variety of
reasons. Here are some things messes friendships up:
1. Repeating what you hear. Proverbs 17:9 says ⁹He that covereth a transgression
  seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.- The
  simply means we can’t tell you nothing, without you repeating it.
2. Getting into senseless arguments. Proverbs 17:14 says ¹⁴The beginning of strife is as when
  one letteth out water: therefore leave off contention, before it be meddled
  with. – Some people just wake up wanting to argue.
3. Overstaying your welcome- Proverbs 25:17 says ¹⁷Withdraw thy foot from thy
  neighbour’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee. – Let folk
  miss you. Your friends try to send you messages and you still won’t go home. Everytime
  you go home, this kind of friend will ask to come over. Give your friends time
  to miss you.
4. Meddling in affairs that are not your own- Proverbs 26:17 says ¹⁷He that passeth by, and meddleth
  with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears. – Nobody takes
  a dog by the ears, because they know they would get bit. This is how we mess up
  other folks friends. We get into other folks business. If you are invited you
  can involve yourself in their business, but don’t come into folks business uninvited.
5. Playing bad jokes. Proverbs
  26:18-19 says ¹⁸As a mad man who casteth firebrands, arrows, and death, ¹⁹So
  is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and saith, Am not I in sport?
6. Being a talebearer- This is gossiper. Proverbs 26:20 says ²⁰Where no wood is, there the fire
  goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. – When
  there are no gossipers around, everyone is good. When a gossiper walks in, the
  atmosphere changes.
7. Being contentious- Proverbs 26:21 says ²¹As
  coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle
  strife.-These are people that are always starting stuff.
8. Engaging in insincere flattery-. Proverbs 27:14 says ¹⁴He that blesseth his friend with a
  loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him. – There are
  people that tell you things, but they are just trying to manipulate you to get what
  they want.

III.
Selecting Friends

Be mindful of how you select friends. Proverbs
22:24-25 says ²⁴Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man
thou shalt not go: ²⁵Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to
thy soul. , Proverbs 12:26 says ²⁶The righteous is more excellent than his neighbour: but the
way of the wicked seduceth them. – There are two kinds of people you have to choose
from. There are those who will lead and walk with you towards your destiny and those that will walk and lead you down path of destruction. With them you
have two choices, life or death or
spending eternity in smoking or non-smoking.
As you select friends, be careful. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says ¹⁴Be ye not unequally yoked together
with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?
and what communion hath light with darkness? – The issue is, we all have
friends who are not saved (People that don’t go to church and who are down with
whatever). We learned last week that there are some friends that are going to
be on the fence, the porch, and the house. We don’t want you to feel like you
need to cut them off, because this is not good
evangelism. We have people that are not saved, but they are cool. We have to
know where they fit in. You can’t allow them to have more influence on us than
we do on them. As a child of God, how can they get you to stay out all night,
and you can’t get them to come to church? Ex-
A saved person that is going through a crisis can’t get advice from unsaved
folk. 2
Corinthians 6:16-17says ¹⁶And
what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the
living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I
will be their God, and they shall be my people. ¹⁷Wherefore come out
from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean
thing; and I will receive you. – In other words, what relationship do we have with
these so called friends? Unsaved people operate from a different frame of reference. If you going through
a spiritual thing, they will say you ought to”be out” or “do you” or “let’s roll” (referring to leaving your
relationship). They can only interpret your situation based on what they know to do. We got these
unsaved friends, but we are not trying to take
their advice. For example, if we went to speech therapy and the Doctor
stuttered, “Good morning” to us, we would not want to go through with the
session. If we went to Dentist and they had a cavity in the front, we would not
have much faith in their ability or their advice. You wouldn’t take advice from
these types of people, because their actions don’t show that they are qualified
to give advice. So why do you let non spiritual people give advice to you about
your life.

IV.
What kind of friends do you want?

Friends that want wisdom – Proverbs
13:20 says ²⁰He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion
of fools shall be destroyed. – We want to be with the type of people they want wisdom. Proverbs 13:14 says ¹⁴The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from
the snares of death. -Wisdom will teach you how to say a thing. Ex- Say you have a friend going through something and they start emotionally eating. As a result, they
are starting to get larger. You are concerned, because you don’t want them to
get larger and larger. You can’t just go up to them and say, “You’re just fat!” This would not be wise. Some people are still
in counseling over things that you have said in the past. What would be wise to
say is something like this: “I love you and I can’t imagine being here without
you. I want to help you stay here for me and you and I will start by walking
with you.”
How do we maintain friendships? They can be disrupted for a variety of
reasons. Here are some things messes friendships up:
1. Repeating what you hear. Proverbs 17:9 says ⁹He that covereth a transgression
  seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.- The
  simply means we can’t tell you nothing, without you repeating it.
2. Getting into senseless arguments. Proverbs 17:14 says ¹⁴The beginning of strife is as when
  one letteth out water: therefore leave off contention, before it be meddled
  with. – Some people just wake up wanting to argue.
3. Overstaying your welcome- Proverbs 25:17 says ¹⁷Withdraw thy foot from thy
  neighbour’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee. – Let folk
  miss you. Your friends try to send you messages and you still won’t go home. Everytime
  you go home, this kind of friend will ask to come over. Give your friends time
  to miss you.
4. Meddling in affairs that are not your own- Proverbs 26:17 says ¹⁷He that passeth by, and meddleth
  with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears. – Nobody takes
  a dog by the ears, because they know they would get bit. This is how we mess up
  other folks friends. We get into other folks business. If you are invited you
  can involve yourself in their business, but don’t come into folks business uninvited.
5. Playing bad jokes. Proverbs
  26:18-19 says ¹⁸As a mad man who casteth firebrands, arrows, and death, ¹⁹So
  is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and saith, Am not I in sport?
6. Being a talebearer- This is gossiper. Proverbs 26:20 says ²⁰Where no wood is, there the fire
  goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. – When
  there are no gossipers around, everyone is good. When a gossiper walks in, the
  atmosphere changes.
7. Being contentious- Proverbs 26:21 says ²¹As
  coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle
  strife.-These are people that are always starting stuff.
8. Engaging in insincere flattery-. Proverbs 27:14 says ¹⁴He that blesseth his friend with a
  loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him. – There are
  people that tell you things, but they are just trying to manipulate you to get what
  they want.

V.
Solving problems with friends

Make sure that you are at peace with the Lord. Proverbs 16:7 says ⁷When a man’s
ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him. – Don’t
respond to your haters. Please God and he will make your enemies be at peace
with you.
Be slow to anger- Proverbs 15:18 says ¹⁸A
wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
– You got folk that know how to push the right buttons, but you got to
know how to process that. Learn to respond with your new man and not your old
man. Ex-Some people don’t think Bishop
gets angry. They act like he is not human. Bishop explains that when people
pull out in front of him, he gets angry too. We all have to learn how to
control our anger.
Be slow to respond- Proverbs 18:13 says ¹³He
that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. -You in a
heavenly debated issue and you won’t let them finish. Let them finish it. Be
slow to answer.
Avoid quarrelling- Proverbs 20:3 says ³It
is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling. – Any fool
can start fight.
Speak gently- Proverbs 15:1 says ¹A
soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. – Speaking
gently can avoid confrontation.
Speak briefly- Proverbs 10:19 says ¹⁹In
the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips
is wise. -Tell them how you feel and be out.
Be quick to show love- Proverbs 10:12 says ¹²Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love
covereth all sins. – When we love a person, it can cover up a whole lot of
what is wrong with you. If you love right, the person might choose not to hold your
flaw against you.

VI.
4 types of friends

The developer- This is a person that brings out the best in you. It
doesn’t have to even be a saved person.
The designer- These are mentors or advisors. Jesus ministered to
thousands; he trained hundreds, equipped 12, but had 3 intimate friends. Designer
mentor us in marriage, business, and a variety of other areas. Designers can be an author, acquaintances,
rangers or even people who are dead, because they can design our life through
scriptures, books, tapes, articles, or seminars.
The disturber- This is a person who shakes up the status quo. They know when we have retreated to our comfort zone. It
is like the eagle that stirs her nest and allows the eagles to fall out of the
nest for their own good. They ask the
question that others won’t ask. They want to know if your car note is more than
your house. They want to know why you want to buy the car right now. In other
words, they make you examine your
motivation. If you say you want to open a business, they are the ones who
ask if you got a business plan or have you worked out how you are going to
finance it. Most of the time when we want to do something jacked up, we won’t
go to the disturber. We need people in our life that can come to us and
literally disturb stuff and ask the right
questions.
The discerner – This is that
person that comes into our life and is spiritual enough to give us advice. Very
few people will play this role in our life. They know how to keep you on the
right track. Proverbs 27:6 says ⁶Faithful
are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.- They can tell you that
they can sense something. They can come and tell you stuff bad that they see,
when you feel you are on the mountain. They can tell that something is wrong
with you, even when you try to hide it.

Assignment: Think about your circle of 20 people in your life. If you don’t have
20, think about the 10 or the 5. They can be relatives, friends, or authors. Think about where they fit into your life as
it relates to these categories or friend types we just mentioned. Does their
role in your life meet your assumptions about them? Lay it all out and it will help you understand
your friendships.